How to Deal with Difficult People

Who is it you have the most trouble with? Who is your biggest pain? From the person who cut you off in traffic, to the cashier at the grocery store to the cell phone customer support line, we all have to deal with people who are difficult. Maybe it’s a co-worker, your boss, your mother, a sibling or another family member. Regardless of who they are, they can make your life miserable. Sometimes the stress and worry they cause us is unbearable and rather than dealing directly with them and the issues, we avoid them by changing jobs, moving to a different neighborhood or just flat out ignoring them.

For years it seemed that wherever I went I would run into at least one person that would be hard to deal with. I began to wonder if my buttons were so obvious that everyone around me took morbid pleasure in pushing them. It took me a long time to figure out that the people I have the hardest time with can actually be my greatest teachers. That alone is a key to dealing with difficult people. If you were to consider every encounter with a difficult person as a learning experience the contention will dissolve and replaced with curiosity.

Being curious about a person, their views, their background, their ideals and opinions does not mean that you agree with them, but that you are willing to hear them out. Being curious means setting aside your own agenda in order to truly listen to the other person. Too often we have our own agenda in conversations—an agenda that prevents us from really listening and getting to the truth. This is very similar to the fifth habit in Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In this habit, Covey counsels the reader to develop empathetic listening, which is listening with the intent to understand by getting inside the other person’s frame of reference. One way to do this is to develop curiosity about the other person and what they have to say. This is not a technique as much as it is the principle of seeking first to understand before you are understood.

Another way to deal with difficult people is to cut some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said, “If you could spend one minute in the mind of your enemy, he would no longer be your enemy.” As much as we would like to, we cannot read the minds of the people around us. Chances are, they are dealing with some serious issues that if we were aware of it, we would treat them with compassion instead of contention.

By being curious, listening, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, the number of difficult people in your life will reduce dramatically creating more peace and less stress in your life.

Kirk Wilkinson: Author of The Happiness Factor: How to be HAPPY no Matter WHAT! www.thehappinessfactor.com

Be Happy by Expressing Appreciation

We all like to hear the words thank you and to have our deeds, whether small or big noticed and appreciated.  Though we all like to hear ‘thank you’ we seldom go out of our way to say it to others. My friend Judy tells this story. While shopping at Macy’s she visited the lady’s room and found it fresh and was exceptionally clean. When she exited, the woman who had just cleaned the bathrooms was finishing putting her supplies in the cleaning cart. Judy took a minute to say, “The restroom was clean and fresh. Thank you for doing a good job.” The cleaning person started to cry and said that she had been there four years and not one person had said thank you. It was overwhelming that someone would not only notice but stop and say thank you. How often are we in a position to make someone’s day by sincerely expressing our gratitude? A sincere thank you can brighten anyone’s day and will make you feel better as well.

Saying thank you does not have to be a big production or a big round of applause. I have found that sincere appreciation is received better than fan-fare. You can express appreciation without even saying it. Your body language says much more than your words can ever communicate. Besides words, appreciation is shown in how you interact with the cashier at the grocery store, the server at the restaurant, or the person cleaning the bathroom. Not to mention how you stand in line at the bank or the post office. It is my experience that, for the most part, the people I interact with are trying to do their best and I get much better service and attention the more grateful and appreciative I am to all the people I encounter.

The person you express appreciation to is not the only beneficiary. You will find that expressing appreciation will brighten your attitude, put a smile on your face, and reduce stress. The more you express appreciation the fewer problems you will have, you will get better service where ever you go and you will be happier.

The flip side of expressing appreciation is learning how to take a compliment. How you take a compliment is another form of expressing appreciation. Your acceptance of a compliment is directly related to how you feel about yourself. I often witness people minimizing or dismissing a sincere compliment. Are we afraid of success? Do we think that we don’t deserve recognition? Many of us are afraid of appearing arrogant, and so when we are given a compliment or shown some appreciation, we dismiss it as if to appear humble. However, what happens most often is it diminishes the intent of the person giving the compliment and might even offend them. Because of my speaking and consulting engagements, I am often told how well I do. At first I would dismiss the compliment with some quip or comment that spoiled their intent. I have since learned that the most appropriate response to any compliment or any expression of appreciation is to simply say, “Thank you,” or “Thank you, I appreciate you saying that.”

When you give, you get. In our youth, we all heard that it is better to give than to receive and it is true. The paradox is that as you give of your “self” through expressing appreciation and humbly accepting compliments you will find there is more of your “self” to give.

Kirk Wilkinson – Author of The Happiness Factor: How to be HAPPY no Matter WHAT!  www.thehappinessfactor.com

Be Happy by Stop Making Comparisons

True success and achievement is not about being better than someone else; it is about being better today than you were yesterday. Comparing yourself to anyone else is self-defeating, as there will always be someone faster, smarter, better looking, wealthier, and healthier than you. I know this is easier said that done because the world demands that you compare yourself to someone or something. Standing in line at the supermarket, you read headlines about the prettiest people in America, how to lose weight, how to have better sex, and how to look like a movie star. At work we are subjected to relative rankings and performance scales. Our children constantly face scrutiny and comparisons at school where they face grades on a curve, the homecoming court, and MVP awards. The same is true for us. We have been trained to compare ourselves to others as a way to determine our self-worth. Self-worth begins on the inside and never on the outside with comparing. Continuous comparisons create a constant stream of negativity in the form of competition between ourselves and the people around us. This especially happens between siblings and family members to the point where relationships are stretched to the limit and destroyed over competition and judgment. Comparing yourself to someone else is a veiled form of judgment. You are either judging them or judging yourself. Either way, it is unhealthy and unrealistic.

There are at least three forms of comparisons that are dangerous: (1) when we compare ourselves to others; (2) when we have an unrealistic view of what success is; and (3) when we compare others to others, such as comparing your spouse, your partner, or your bother to someone else. All of these comparisons are unhealthy and cause you to determine your self worth from outside sources. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and all that beauty and all that wonder are already inside of you. Be happy by not comparing and you will see just how beautiful you are.

Kirk Wilkinson – Author of The Happiness Factor: How to be HAPPY no Matter WHAT! For a free eBook entitled 5 Steps to Creating Emotional Wealth send and email to info@thehappinessfactor.com

No ‘thing’ can Make you Happy

 Nothing will make you happy. Happiness comes from the inside. Actually, it is better said that no thing can make you happy. Don’t live the fantasy thinking that your next job, your next promotion, a bigger house, car, or some other material thing can make you happy. It becomes a never-ending pursuit. Once you achieve what you think can make you happy, you may feel fleeting euphoria but not lasting happiness. There have been many studies on this very topic such as the landmark study in 1977 by psychologist Phillip Brickman. He compared lottery winners to quadriplegics to determine which group was happier or had a higher quality of life.  At first blush, you would readily think that someone who has millions of dollars and can buy anything they want would find great happiness. The study reported that those people who had lost the use of limbs or even their entire body from the neck down claimed they had a higher quality of life than they did before they were paralyzed. The lottery winners reported a state of excitement and euphoria that soon ended, and their quality of life actually deteriorated. Some of the lottery winners even declared bankruptcy or fell into addictions. No thing can bring you happiness. You become happy from the inside out.

If you are like me, your intellect knows that material things don’t make you happy. But my actions didn’t follow what I knew intellectually and I found myself expecting to be happy every time something good happened to me. Sure, I was happy for a while, but it didn’t’ last. Sometimes it was more a matter of trying to influence and convince God to grant me happiness by creating favorable circumstances. But circumstances are on the outside, not on the inside. Happiness is not dependant on your circumstances, especially ones that you try to create or influence. Regardless of your situation, you can be happy. There are so many people around us who have real and difficult problems who are content and happy, and yet there are so many who are not. The difference is not in the circumstances but what is on the inside.

No thing can make you happy. Happiness is living in a way that brings peace and contentment into your life regardless of the circumstances. I have met many successful yet miserable people. People who you would consider successful in every way but who claim they are empty inside. Perhaps you find yourself in that category—successful but unfulfilled, successful but not happy. I was once there! I did not change my job, find a new wife, or move to a different city to be happy. I found it inside of me, and you can find it inside of you!

- An excerpt from the book The Happiness Factor: How to be HAPPY no matter WHAT! by
Kirk Wilkinson. www.thehappinessfactor.com

Making Love - A priority

How do you define love? Of all the human emotions and feelings love is likely the most difficult to define. Many of us rely on “I’ll know it when I feel it,” or “I’ll know it when I see it,” to define love.  For me, love is best defined by what it is not. Love is NOT envy, strife, contention, jealousy, anger, revenge, hate, resentment, and so on. It is easy to think of love as a romantic feeling between two or more people because that is how we have been trained to think. But love is more than that. Love is the energy and power that exists in all of our encounters with other people. Love is a power that will transform any situation or circumstance. You don’t need to wait for love; you don’t need to wait for someone or something to happen for you to experience this love. Love is made as you give it away to those around you.

Can you imagine living a life free of worry, problems, and stress?  How about living each day without negativity, problems or adversity? As impossible and improbable as it may sound you can live a problem free, conflict fee, stress free life by making love the utmost priority in any situation or circumstance. True love is created when you give someone the benefit of the doubt, forgive them, ask their forgiveness, give service, or say thank you. As you make this kind of love a priority you will receive more love than you can imagine. As this love enters your life you will feel brighter, you will smile more often, you will notice the beauty all around you and have a more positive outlook on life.

Making love a priority means that in every encounter, every appointment, every task, and every situation love is your primary purpose. Love becomes more important than being right, more important than getting even, or making sure someone gets what they deserve. It is love that allows you to overlook the flaws or inadequacies of those around you. Love permits us to forgive and forget the offences of others. With love as your priority those things just don’t matter any more.

The more you embrace love as your only purpose in any situation and give up on the rest, the more the rest will embrace you. Love is like the water thrown on the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz. When drenched with water, the Wicked Witch dissolves. Love dissolves all negativity, discord, conflict, anger, contention, fear and strife. In all things, in all places, in all circumstances, love is all that matters. Love is all that is real.

I can’t even begin to explain the blessings, the abundance of peace, and the happiness that has come into my life as a result of making love the highest priority over all else. Relationships have been healed, resentment has faded, miracles have happened, and I am happy. I no longer have problems but opportunities to love. I no longer have adversity but growth opportunities. This is not just a word game or a game of positive thinking or simply seeing the world through rose colored glasses. It is real problem solving through the power of love.

As you make love a priority, all of those things that love is NOT will dissolve from your life. You will start to experience a new found beauty that will grow from the inside out.  Just as a flower will open up when exposed to the sun, your inner beauty will blossom by MAKING LOVE a priority.

By Kirk Wilkinson, author of The Happiness Factor: How to be HAPPY no matter what! (www.thehappinessfactor.com)

You Can Talk Yourself Beautiful!

Not long ago a woman having survived a stroke went the doctor discouraged that she could barely walk without the use of a walker. The wise doctor asked her to walk across the examination room without using her walker. Immediately he saw that she was putting all her weight on her weak side instead of her strong side. Don’t we do the same thing? Don’t we tend to put more weight on our weaknesses and disregard our strengths?

Focusing on our weaknesses results in stress, frustration and self-criticism and could cause us to believe there is something wrong with us when most likely we are just not considering our great strengths. If you are feeling frustrated or if you are plagued with self-criticism, chances are that like the woman above, you are putting weight on your weak side instead of your strong side.

Confident people appear more radiant and even more beautiful. Confidence is found by leading with your strengths while working to improve one or two of your weaknesses. Your outer beauty is enhanced by your inner beauty. Inner beauty will be enhanced by discovering and recognizing your strengths. Try this exercise today: Start a list of all of your strengths – actually write them down on a piece of paper. Don’t just think of the big things, make a list of everything you are good at as well as your positive traits. Keep this list handy for the next several days adding to it as you think about and discover something you are good at. Do not stop until you have at least 50 strengths on your list and add to it as you become aware of even more.

I am not suggesting you ignore your weaknesses, just don’t emphasize them. Lead with your strengths, grow from your weaknesses and feel good about yourself while you are doing it. Don’t even worry about your weaknesses right now. Relish in the strengths you have! Read your list of strengths every day for at least 21 days and notice how much brighter you feel, how much more you radiate the beauty within you. You will stand taller, you will smile more and those around you will notice!

Kirk Wilkinson – Speaker and author of The Happiness Factor: How to be happy no matter what (www.thehappinessfactor.com or kirk.wilkinson@yahoo.com)

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